Tiger Woods is Pathetic

JOE SKIPPER/REUTERS 

By Rosie DiManno, Toronto Star Columnist

VANCOUVER-Why is this man telling me these things? 

We’ve barely ever even met. He shouldn’t be speaking so to a stranger. 

And I don’t believe hardly a word of it either. My mother didn’t raise a dope. Who’s he trying to dupe? 

Like that part about not getting to play by different rules than other people. Of course he gets to play by different rules. That’s one privilege enjoyed by famous people, sometime even when they break the law, although this fellow committed no criminal offence. He may have trashed the vows of marriage, as most people at least superficially accept them, but surely that’s a matter between husband and wife, unless the betrayed spouse is demanding a public mea culpa. 

He’s in the dog house where adulterous hounds often end up except, in his case, it’s a fancier pad with a big tab daily room rate and custodians of the joint have pathologized the libido to the extent of branding such behaviour an addiction, no doubt with a 12-step self-help program to follow before graduating. 

“Hello, my name is Tiger and I haven’t cheated on my wife in four months.” 

I was wrong, he said. I was foolish, he said. I was caught, he didn’t say. 

“I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behaviour I engaged in.” 

To these ears, it came out thusly: “I am deeply sorry for shagging a string of bar hostesses and porn starlets and bimbos, most of whom – did you notice? – were big-haired blondes with cantilevered boobs and not a one black like me, or even half-Asian like me. I’m really regretful that so many, at least the dozen you’ve all heard about (wink, wink) weren’t able to keep their mouths shut after rubbing up against my putter. And I’m sorry to the point of semi-disclosure that my activities have cost multi-millions in endorsements lost, though I’m still the richest quasi-athlete (this is golf, after all) on the planet, just don’t for a minute suggest I’m being vengeful by staging this non-press conference on the very day of a tournament scheduled by my first-to-bail sponsor. 

“This is merely a coincidence because, while I’ve been out of that ridiculous sex addiction rehab hangout for a while, this was the only open space on my agenda to formally show my face before a hand-selected group of my very bestest buddies on the sports media planet, and by the way I would like to thank them for being so complicit in my phony image and never writing or telecasting what they’ve known all along. 

“Indeed, excuse me while I give some of them a hug, but first I have to kiss my mom, who taught me everything I know about Buddhism, most of which, of course, I’ve forgotten or ignored because following those articles of self-discipline – exercising restraint and stuff – is hard for a famous person. 

“See, trouble found me. Plus, if I were being honest, which I’m not, I’d remind everyone again that filthy rich and phenomenally exceptional athletes occupy a special place in the moral firmament – and the VIP lounges, where it’s pretty much anything goes. So what’s a handsome and rich and secretly (if not so secretly) sexual adventurer supposed to do – say thanks, but no thanks, I’m married with children and if The War Department (my wife Elin) learns about this, maybe by checking my voice mail and BlackBerry, she might threaten divorce and get some big-brain lawyer to draw up a new post-nup agreement. 

“But don’t you people go blaming Elin for any of this. The woman is a saint and I am really, really still in love with her and really, really sexually attracted to her, no matter what any of those leg-overs might have told media slimeballs. She never hit me with a golf club that Thanksgiving night before I totalled my Escalade. And I’ve never hit her either. ‘There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.’ 

“The rest of you, however, and especially those aggressive paparazzi, should be disembowelled. Shame on you for chasing my kids and my mom, even stalking my 2 1/2-year old daughter at her nursery school. Can you see the smoke coming out of my ears? Hoo-boy, I’m angry. What do you mean this was to be expected as a part of the fame package when my infidelity is Page One all over the planet and I’ve gone into hiding. “Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, apologizing to my sponsors and my employees and all the kids who looked up to me as a role model, which was how my dad groomed me since I was 2 years old and swinging clubs with Bob Hope, who’s still dead. And have I mentioned the scholarships that I fund, the one with my dad’s name on it because he was my hero but he’s dead, too, and, see, I have issues. But I still am a nice guy under all those layers of pretence. ‘Character and decency are what really count.’ 

“But let’s get down to the short strokes now. I will get out on the golf circuit again, maybe later this year, at which juncture fans will start watching the sport again. I will save golf from, uh, myself. 

“Now, however, I must return to rehab seclusion and listen obediently to a whole bunch of other guys talking about all the nookie they’ve had, which makes me kind of wistful and, well, horny.”

PASSING REMARKS

NEW YORK–Communication and branding experts found Tiger Woods to be largely honest, contrite and sincere in his internationally televised remarks Friday.
 

They liked him taking ownership of his problems and protecting and defending his wife and kids, but some wished he’d said specifically when he’d return to golf.
 

“He finally came out, apologized and showed his face,” said Laura Ries, president of Ries and Ries, an Atlanta branding firm. “That was the most important thing, just showing up. Was it a great performance? No. But had he delivered too smooth a statement he would have been accused of being too slick.”
 

Bill McGowan, image consultant for Clarity Media Group, was less effusive. “Today should have been the complete and total purging, and I think by delaying facing some questions, he just extends this thing more.”
 

– Associated Press