If the Passover Story Were Reported by CNN, the BBC, the Guardian or the New York Times it Might Go Like This:…
The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no
end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues have destroyed the
Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian
citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the
plague of darkness. Western journalists were particularly enraged by this
plague. “It is simply impossible to report when you can’t see an inch in
front of you,” complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. “I have heard
from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of
blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word
is solid enough evidence for me.”
While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh
slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader,
rebuts this claim. “If only the plagues would let up, there would be no
slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every
society.”
Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is
justifiable given the Jews’ superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower G-d.
The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive.
“The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The
Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world,”
stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.
Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself
within Pharaoh’s chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next
plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery
is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when
the plagues end, so will the slavery. “The Jews have gone too far with
plagues such as locusts and epidemics which have virtually destroyed the
Egyptian economy,” Mr. Shapiro laments. “The Egyptians are really a very
nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him,”
gushes Shapiro.
The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders,
continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh
had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately
break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard
Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. “Pharaoh is
not in complete control of the taskmasters,” Mr. Boucher states. “The Jews
must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through
these plagues.”
The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace
overture. “If only the Jews will give up their language, change their
names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will
incline toward peace with them,” Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
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