Oh, he’ll be great, just like his border wall

by Steve Lopez Contact Reporter and commentator for the Los Angeles Times

This is a really funny, witty column.

We have a very beautiful state here.

Absolutely beautiful.

And people are always saying to me, whether they live in California or they’re visiting from somewhere else in the country or the world, hey, this is fantastic. That’s what they say about California. They’ve never seen anything like it.

Did I mention that it’s huge?

This state is very huge, with lots of mountains, gorgeous mountains. We have the best mountains. And of course — I don’t need to tell you — we have the most wonderful beaches in the world.

I don’t care where you’ve been. The French Riviera. Hawaii. The Caribbean.

Our beaches are the best.

Believe me.

We have top-notch people here, too, with terrific ability, some of them. Very intelligent. They’re making rockets; that’s how smart they are.

And the women — many of the women — are beautiful, the most beautiful women in the world. Best of all, they don’t go around playing the woman card like somebody we know.

Now comes the big question, this being the middle of a presidential campaign:

What’s in store for our great state of California if Donald Trump is elected president of the United States?

I get asked this by readers, some of the best readers, and some of them are speed readers. Brilliant people. Some of them follow me on Twitter — I have great power on Twitter, by the way. I tweet, I get re-tweeted, and my enemies weep. Or call me an idiot, but that’s the way it goes.

California company, Twitter. Not Texas, home of lying Ted, who is hated by everybody.

Everybody hates him! That I can tell you, OK?

Anyhow, getting back to the readers, they want to know what a Trump presidency looks like for the country, but more specifically, they want to know what’s in it for California.

In some respects it’s hard to know, because Trump hasn’t spelled out many policy details, but look at the man’s record of success.

He is rich. Filthy rich.

I rest my case.

You think he got that way not knowing how to run things? His IQ is one of the highest, according to a Tweet he sent out.

The highest! I guarantee it.

So when Trump says he will eliminate the EPA — “What they do is a disgrace” — you have to trust that he has a plan to keep California’s water drinkable and our air somewhat breathable without regulatory oversight.

A vote for Trump is a vote for fresh air.

Some experts argue that his tax cut would blow a $10-trillion hole in the federal budget, and California — with its disintegrating bridges and cratered roads — would suffer a big hit.

But let me tell you something about these so-called experts.

They are low-energy people. They have a lower pulse than this guy Jeb Bush, and they know less than he does. They’re scavengers, really. Worse than the media people, some of whom have blood coming out of their eyes. That’s how horrible they are.

Some analysts will tell you that California, with its terrific amounts of international trade — we’ve got stupendous trade here in God’s country — could be bushwhacked under Trump’s policies. They say his proposed tariff on imported goods could actually cost jobs and lead to higher prices on Asian imports, amounting to a crippling tax on consumers.

Here’s what these haters don’t know, if I can use Trump’s own words:

“I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China. Am I supposed to dislike them?”

Trump loves China, you know? That’s my point. He loves China — it’s a beautiful thing to watch, people — at least as much as he loves the poorly educated.

And let’s not forget what he said about African Americans.

“I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.”

A state as diverse as California couldn’t go wrong under the leadership of an enlightened man like Trump, which is why true believers turned out in Costa Mesa on Thursday to cheer their guy.

Sure, there were some rabble-rousers there who don’t like what Trump has said about Latinos or Muslims or women, and police arrested 17 people who got a little out of hand.

But let’s look at the numbers, OK?

Eight thousand rabid supporters.

Seventeen party-poopers.

You don’t have to take my word for it, even though math is one of my strengths — everybody says this about me — but that’s a landslide victory for Donald J. Trump.

The supporters in Costa Mesa could be heard in Tijuana when they roared after Trump’s promises to torture terrorism suspects and make Mexico pay for a border wall, a beautiful wall, and believe me, this man can build tremendous walls.

You know what he’s going to do? I bet he’s going to build walls under the ground to block the tunnels.

That’s what this man is capable of, and as Trump stumps for California votes, I think you’re going to be seeing a lot more of what we saw in Costa Mesa.

These were high-energy supporters who would probably gladly help build the wall themselves. For pesos. Since Mexico’s paying for it.

And then what happens, once the great wall is built?

Deportations, that’s what. By the millions. With President Trump driving the bus himself if Pete Wilson is busy.

A few sniveling softies will argue that it’s inhumane and un-Christian to send dirt-poor families back to countries with even greater poverty and unimaginable levels of violence.

A few mushy-headed economists will argue that California’s huge agriculture industry, to name one of many, would be devastated, with ripple effects throughout the state’s economy.

But these naysayers don’t know what Donald Trump is capable of, and they don’t understand California’s resilience.

We have great resilience in this state. Everybody talks about it.

Costa Mesans can move to Palos Verdes to mow the lawns at Trump’s golf course — these are the greatest links in the world, by the way. Or they can move to Delano to pick lettuce or Oxnard to pluck mushrooms out of the manure.

They would do great in the manure. We have the best manure.

Donald Trump will be president, and we’ll have a sequel to “A Day Without a Mexican,” but this time it’ll be a documentary.

And California will be great again.