Jokes that can be told in Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little
 girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the
bride dressed in white?”The mother replied,
 ‘Because white is the color of happiness,
 and today is the happiest day of her life..’ 
The child thought about this for a moment
 then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging
 about their fathers. The first boy says,
‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece
of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50..’ 
The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls
 it a song, they give him $100.’ 
The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight
 people to collect all the money!’ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

An elderly woman died last month. Having
 never married , she requested no male
 pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions
 for her memorial service, she wrote,
 ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was
 alive, I don’t want them to take me
out when I’m dead.’ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


A police recruit was asked during the
 exam, ‘What would you do if you had
 to arrest your own mother?’
 He answered, ‘Call for backup.’ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


A Sunday School teacher asked her
 class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
 with them to Jerusalem …
 A small child replied,
 ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter. ‘ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


A Sunday school teacher was discussing
 the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the
commandment to
‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’
she asked, ‘Isn’t there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers
 and sisters?’ Without missing a beat,
 one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


At Sunday School they were teaching
how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of
Adam’s ribs..Later in the week his
 mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and she said,
‘Johnny, what is the matter?’
Little Johnny responded,
‘I have pain in my side.
I think I’m going to have a wife.’ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Two boys were walking home from
Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other,
‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’ 
The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how
 Santa Claus  turned out.
It’s probably just your Dad.’ 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Take heed and pass these along to people
 who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this
…times are tough right now…for all of us…so
we need something to make the day a happy
place. “They” haven’t found a way to tax
you for laughing yet.

Unpleasant but Painful Truth

Tarek Fatah Talk at ideacity 2011 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.  This will take 15 minutes of your time.  You must listen to his words.  He may be addressing Canadians but everything he says applies to the United States and other western nations.  I have the feeling we are seeing a re-play of the fall of the Roman Empire.

Please watch this video. 

http://livestre.am/Pfu4

SHITTY LITTLE COUNTRY

The  Middle East has been growing date palms for  centuries. The  average tree is about 18-20 feet tall and yields about 38 pounds of  dates a year.


Israeli date  trees are now yielding 400 pounds/year and are short enough to be  harvested from the ground or a short  ladder.

 

Israel the  100th smallest country, with less than 1/1000th of the world’s population,  can lay claim to the following:

The  cell phone was developed  in Israel by    people working  in the Israeli branch  of Motorola, which has its largest development center  in Israel.




Most  of the Windows NT and XP operating systems were developed  by Microsoft –  Israel.

The  Pentium MMX Chip technology was designed in  Israel  at  Intel.

Both  the Pentium – 4 microprocessor and the Centrino processor were entirely  designed, developed and produced in  Israel.

The  Pentium microprocessor in your computer was most likely made  in Israel.

Voice  mail technology was developed  in Israel.

Both  Microsoft and Cisco built their only R&D facilities outside the US  in Israel.

The  technology for the AOL Instant Messenger ICQ was developed in 1996 by four  young Israelis.


Israel has  the fourth largest air force in the world (after the U.S, Russia and  China). In addition to a large variety of other aircraft, Israel’s air  force has an aerial arsenal of over 250 F-16’s. This is the largest fleet  of F-16 aircraft outside of the U.  S.


Israels $100  billion economy is larger than all of its immediate neighbors  combined.


Israel has  the highest percentage in the world of home computers per capita.

According  to industry officials, Israel  designed the  airline industry’s most impenetrable flight security. US officials now  look (finally) to Israel  for advice on  how to handle airborne security  threats.

Israel has  the highest ratio of university degrees to the population in the  world.

Israel produces  more scientific papers per capita than any other nation by a large margin  – 109 per 10,000 people — as well as one of the highest per capita rates  of patents filed.

In  proportion to its  population, Israel has the  largest number of startup companies in the world.

In  absolute Israel has  the largest number of start-up companies than any other country in the  world, except the U.S. ! (3,500 companies mostly in  hi-tech).

With  more than 3,000 high-tech companies and startups,  Israel has the  highest concentration of hi-tech companies in the world — apart from the  Silicon Valley, U.S.

Israel is ranked #2 in the  world for venture capital  funds right behind the  U.S.

Outside  the United States and Canada, Israel has the largest number of NASDAQ  listed companies.

Israel has  the highest average living standards in the Middle  East.

The  per capita income inIsrael in 2000 was  over $17,500, exceeding that of the  UK.

On  a per capita basis, Israel has the  largest number of biotech startups.

Twenty-four  per cent of Israel’s workforce  holds university degrees, ranking third in the industrialized world, after  the United States and Holland and 12 per cent hold advanced  degrees.

Israel is  the only liberal democracy in the Middle  East.

In 1984 and  1991, Israel airlifted  a total of 22,000 Ethiopian Jews (Operation Solomon and Moses) at Risk in  Ethiopia, to safety in Israel.

When  Golda Meir was elected Prime Minister  of Israel  in 1969, she  became the world’s second elected female leader in modern  times.

When  the U. S. Embassy in Nairobi, Kenya was  bombed in 1998, Israeli rescue  teams were on the scene within a day —  and saved three victims from  the rubble.

Israel has the third highest  rate of entrepreneurship — and  the highest  rate among women and among people over 55 – in the world.

Relative  to its population, Israel is  the largest immigrant – absorbing nation on earth. Immigrants come in  search of  democracy,  religious freedom, and  economic opportunity.  (Hundreds of thousands from the former  Soviet  Union) 

Israel was  the first nation in the world to adopt the Kimberly process, an  international standard that certifies diamonds as “conflict free.”

Israel has the world’s  second highest per capita of new books.

Israel is  the only country in the world that entered the 21st century with a net  gain in its number of trees, made more remarkable because, this was  achieved in an area considered mainly  desert!

Israel has more museums per  capita than any other  country

Medicine;Israeli scientists  developed the first fully computerized, no-radiation, diagnostic  instrumentation for breast cancer. 

An Israeli company  developed a computerized system for ensuring proper administration of  medications, thus removing human error from medical treatment.

Every  year in U. S.  hospitals 7,000 patients die from treatment  mistakes.

Israel’s Given  Imaging developed the first ingestible video camera, so small it fits  inside a pill. Used to view the small intestine from the inside, cancer  and digestive  disorders.

Researchers  in Israel developed a  new device that directly helps the heart pump blood, an innovation with  the potential to save lives among those with heart failure. The new device  is synchronized with the camera helps doctors diagnose heart’s mechanical  operations through a sophisticated system of  sensors.

Israel leads  the world in the number of scientists and technicians in the workforce,  with 145 per 10,000, as opposed to 85 in the U. S., over 70 in Japan, and  less than 60 in Germany. With over 25% of its work force employed in  technical professions. Israel places first in this category as  well.

A  new acne treatment developed  in Israel, the  Clear Light device, produces a high-intensity, ultraviolet-light-free,  narrow-band blue light that causes acne bacteria to self-destruct — all  without damaging surrounding skin or  tissue.

An Israeli company  was the first to develop and install a large-scale solar-powered and fully  functional electricity generating plant, in southern California’s Mojave  desert.

All  the above while engaged in regular wars with an implacable enemy that  seeks its destruction, and an economy continuously under strain by having  to spend more per capita on its own protection than any other county on  earth.

AND  THE FRENCH AMBASSADOR  IN ENGLAND SAYS:

“ISRAEL  IS NOTHING BUT A SHITTY LITTLE  COUNTRY”

What do you think?

A Love Affair with Detroit

Bob Lutz, the recently retired General Motors vice chairman, has had a continuing love affair with Detroit.  He recently wrote an article about America’s renewed love affair with Detroit.  He contends in the Reuters column that while it’s true that Detroit’s Big Three have been afforded a “historic window of opportunity” by the tragedy of Japan’s earthquake and tsunami, it is a mistake to believe Detroit’s resurgence will be reversed when Japanese car supplies build up again. He says domestic carmakers are now producing the most competitive products in their history. Japanese brands have suddenly developed “a curious inability to produce winning designs.”  One reason is the Japanese yen’s new strength against the U.S. dollar, which makes Japanese cars more expensive to sell in the United States. To compete on price,Toyota, Nissan, and Honda are cutting back on features. Gone are “the Hondas that scream ‘buy me’ thanks to their lovely proportions and superb interior.”

I do wonder if he ever reads anything that is contrary to his views.  My favorite car review magazine is Consumers Reports.  Unlike other car magazines it takes no advertising and so can provide honest evaluations.

The entire Chrysler line was reviewed in the just published August 2011 edition of Consumers Reports.  In every category from family sedans to SUVs their vehicles rated at the bottom of the scale with the exception a Chevrolet Tahoe that rated even lower.  Consumers says, “Chrysler is on the right path but still has a long way to go.”  This is sad when you consider that Chrysler was the originator of the minivan.

In every vehicle type American made cars rated lower than those manufactured in Japan and South Korea.  One exception was the Chevrolet Traverse rating higher than a Honda Pilot.

Many foreign brands are actually assembled in the U.S.A.  That includes my 2004 Toyota Camry.

Sorry Bob, you may love Detroit but my next car is not likely to be a domestic brand.

Wall Street Journal Fights Back

The Wall Street Journal published a lengthy editorial Sunday stressing the integrity of both its publication as well as its former publisher and CEO, Les Hinton. “In nearly four years at the Journal, Mr. Hinton managed the paper’s return to profitability amid a terrible business climate,” the paper’s editorial board wrote. “He did so not solely by cost-cutting but by investing in journalists when other publications were laying off hundreds. On ethical questions, his judgment was as sound as that of any editor we’ve had.” The paper also addressed the scandal-ridden papers also owned by their parent company, and the sharks circling around its leader, Rupert Murdoch. “The Schadenfreude is so thick you can’t cut it with a chainsaw. … We realize how precious that reader trust is, and our obligation is to re-earn it every day.”

Of course one could ask if he committed no crime then why did he resign?

Read it at Wall Street Journal

Virtuosity

The stunning use of words that few of us understand drives me nuts!  Just because you graduated from a college or university (and I did) does not give you a license to keep lording your brightness over the rest of us.

I am particularly annoyed by the people who tell me they have just read another 300 page book in the last three days or less.  Then they go on to tell me they read three books a week.

I was interested in reading The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged until I found that those books each have more than 1,000 pages.  I started reading David McCullough’s John Adams until I learned of the HBO mini-series.  The film version might have lacked some of the descriptive detail but I most certainly learned a considerable amount about John Adams and his life.

Why must people use the word “ludicrous” when “ridiculous” or “stupid” will convey the same meaning?  Another word I cannot stand is “plethora.”  It sounds so scholarly, but “erudite” sounds even more scholarly than “scholarly.”              

This brings me to “Virtuosity.”  In this week’s Newsweek there is an article about Bernard Arnault, the owner of Christian Dior and other well known clothing brands.  Robin Givhan, the author of the article, wrote: “Haute couture, the craft of handmade garments, is sup­posed to be the pinnacle of fashion-the concept car of the garment business. This show was meant to be an expression of a couturier’s most dazzling, singular vision-clothes as they could be. But such virtuosity was missing.

What the heck is Virtuosity? The American Heritage Dictionary definition is “1. The Technical skill, fluency, or style exhibited by a virtuoso. 2. An appreciation for or an interest in fine objects of art.  Why didn’t Ms. Givhan simply say the show was disappointing or lacked the level of skill or ability she had expected?  Well because “Virtuosity” says it all and besides most people don’t know the meaning of the word but recognize that it is a criticism and says it with one empathic word.

Moreover, it may make you sound smarter than the rest of us.

Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch, CEO of News Corporation and 20th Century Fox and other significant properties, has managed to become the media baron of the world. He became a feared leader of conservative politics and also someone who seemed to believe he was not required to follow the rules of behavior and law that others felt obliged to obey.

It is inconceivable that he or his lieutenants were unaware of the hacking of cell phones in the U.K. There have been accusations that his news media tried to obtain phone lists of family members of 9-11 victims.

Murdoch’s British lieutenant, Rebekah Brooks, stepped down earlier today, Friday. Then this very same day Les Hinton, chief executive of the Murdoch-owned Dow Jones & Co. and publisher of the Wall Street Journal, announced he was resigning immediately. No yet knows the real reason for the Hinton resignation.

Obviously there are many people in the media who would like to see his empire fail. In this case his hubris really has brought his stumble. I hope it’s his downfall. He deserves a little humbling.

World’s Most Expensive Cities

Which cities have the most expensive cost of living?

Mercer Human Resources Consulting, a world-wide firm with offices in North America, South America, Europe, the Middle East, and Asia has sufficient respect that its evaluations are reported in major newspapers and magazines.  The company has developed a Worldwide Cost of Living survey.  The results were reported in the Toronto Star today.  The entire listing is not posted to the web but can be purchased for $600USD.

Following is an abridged summary that was posted on the Mercer web site.

  • Luandain, Angola is the world’s most expensive city for expatriates; Karachi is the cheapest
  • Top 10 ranked cities are dominated by Africa, Europe and Asia
  • London drops 1 place to rank 18; Singapore and São Paolo join the top 10 list
  • New York is the most expensive in the United States followed by Los Angeles.
  • Los Angeles, the second most expensive U.S. city, fell 22 places to 77th place.

The survey covers 214 cities across five continents and measures the comparative cost of over 200 items in each location, including housing, transport, food, clothing, household goods and entertainment. It is the world’s most comprehensive cost of living survey and is designed to help multinational companies and governments determine compensation allowances for their expatriate employees.New York is used as the base city and all cities are compared against New York. Currency movements are measured against the US dollar. The cost of housing – often the biggest expense for expatriates – plays an important part in determining where cities are ranked.

New entries in the top 10 list of the costliest cities in the world are Singapore(8), up from 11, and São Paolo (10), which has jumped 11 places since the 2010 ranking.Karachi(214) is ranked as the world’s least expensive city, and the survey found that Luanda, in top place, is more than three times as costly as Karachi. Recent world events, including natural disasters and political upheavals, have impacted the rankings for many regions through currency fluctuations, cost inflation for goods and services and volatility in accommodation prices.

Down one place from last year, London(18) is the UK’s most expensive city, followed by Aberdeen(144), Glasgow(148) and Birmingham(150), Belfast(178) is ranked as the UK’s least expensive city.

The survey covers 214 cities across five continents and measures the comparative cost of over 200 items in each location, including housing, transport, food, clothing, household goods and entertainment. It is the world’s most comprehensive cost of living survey and is designed to help multinational companies and governments determine compensation allowances for their expatriate employees. New Yorkis used as the base city and all cities are compared against New York. Currency movements are measured against the US dollar. The cost of housing – often the biggest expense for expatriates – plays an important part in determining where cities are ranked.

At rank 32, New York is the most expensive city in the United States.Los Angeles(77) and Chicago(108) have dropped significantly in the rankings (22 and 17 places respectively) as price increases on goods and services have been moderate compared to New York. Washington, however, also at ranking 108, has climbed three places, as rental accommodation prices have increased significantly.

Portland(186) and Winston-Salem(197) are the least expensive cities in the United States. Up 17 places, Toronto(59) has overtaken Vancouver(65) to become the most expensive Canadian city in the ranking, followed by Montreal(79) and Calgary(96). Ranking 114, Ottawa is the least expensive city in Canada.

Rankings

March 2011 March 2010 City Country
1 1 LUANDA ANGOLA
2 2 TOKYO JAPAN
3 3 N’DJAMENA CHAD
4 4 MOSCOW RUSSIA
5 5 GENEVA SWITZERLAND
6 6 OSAKA JAPAN
7 8 ZURICH SWITZERLAND
8 11 SINGAPORE SINGAPORE
9 8 HONG KONG HONG KONG
10 21 SÂO PAULO BRAZIL
11 19 NAGOYA JAPAN
12 7 LIBREVILLE GABON
12 29 RIO DE JANEIRO BRAZIL
14 24 SYDNEY AUSTRALIA
15 11 OSLO NORWAY
16 22 BERN SWITZERLAND
17 10 COPENHAGEN DENMARK
18 17 LONDON UNITED KINGDOM
19 14 SEOUL SOUTH KOREA
20 16 BEIJING CHINA
21 25 SHANGHAI CHINA
21 33 MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA
23 23 NIAMEY NIGER
24 19 TEL AVIV ISRAEL
25 13 VICTORIA SEYCHELLES
25 15 MILAN ITALY
27 17 PARIS FRANCE
28 67 OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO
29 30 ST. PETERSBURG RUSSIA
30 60 PERTH AUSTRALIA
31 55 BRISBANE AUSTRALIA
32 27 NEW YORK CITY,NY UNITED STATES
33 70 BRASILIA BRAZIL
34 26 ROME ITALY
34 74 CANBERRA AUSTRALIA
36 28 VIENNA AUSTRIA
37 38 NOUMÉA NEW CALEDONIA
38 38 GUANGZHOU CHINA
39 62 DJIBOUTI DJIBOUTI
39 76 STOCKHOLM SWEDEN
41 62 LAGOS NIGERIA
42 31 HELSINKI FINLAND
43 42 SHENZHEN CHINA
44 32 DAKAR SENEGAL
44 141 KHARTOUM SUDAN
46 90 ADELAIDE AUSTRALIA
47 47 PRAGUE CZECH REPUBLIC
48 36 BAKU AZERBAIJAN
49 33 BANGUI CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC
50 35 AMSTERDAM NETHERLANDS

Our National Jobs Emergency

I am posting this column because it reflects my ideas.

Immediate government spending cuts would only make things worse. A new jobs tax cut for companies repatriating their profits could help.

By ALAN S. BLINDER reprinted from the Wall Street Journal

Last Friday’s employment report landed with a loud thud. Only 18,000 net new jobs in June? How could that be? One Wall Street economist said he thought it was a misprint at first. He was not alone.

The horrific June employment number made it two in a row. With the latest revisions, job growth in May is now estimated to have clocked in at only 25,000 jobs. So that’s 25,000 and 18,000 in consecutive months. Given the immense size of total U.S. payroll employment (around 131 million) and the sampling error in the survey, those numbers are effectively zero. Job creation has stopped for two months.

If we were at 5% unemployment, two bad payroll reports in a row would be of some concern yet tolerable. But when viewed against the background of 9%-plus unemployment, they are catastrophic. And going beyond the headline jobs numbers reveals an even bleaker picture.

The fraction of the population that is employed (58.2%) is now lower than it was when the recession officially ended in June 2009 (59.4%). The share of the unemployed who have been jobless for more than six months is now a stunning 44.4%. In a strong labor market, that number would be in the teens. I could go on.

All this adds up to a national jobs emergency. Tragically, however, it is not being treated as such. When is the last time you heard one of our national leaders propose a serious job-creating program?

The operative word here is “serious.” Every day brings new proposals to slash government spending. But as I noted on this page last month, those are ways to kill jobs, not create them. As a matter of fact, despite all the cries of “big government” or even “socialism,” public-sector employment has been falling.

Over the past two months, while private businesses were adding a measly 130,000 new jobs to their payrolls, governments at all levels were shedding 87,000 workers. Looking over a longer period, public employment at all levels is down by 522,000 jobs over the last two years. Does that make sense in a jobless recovery?

We may be on the verge of doing much worse. If we crash into the national debt ceiling next month, Washington will be forced to reduce its rate of spending by 40%-45% immediately. Do the math. The implied reduction in federal spending would be equal to about 10%-11% of gross domestic product. If cutbacks of that magnitude were maintained for more than a very brief period, it is hard to see how we could avoid another serious recession.

Worse yet, this little back-of-the-envelope calculation ignores the financial panic that might ensue. Since markets are thoroughly convinced that Congress will raise the debt limit on time, a failure to do so would come as a big shock. Shocked markets are often panicky markets. And panicky markets can devastate economies.

Important as it is to get the debt-ceiling issue behind us, that would only preserve a pretty miserable status quo. What might a real job-creation program look like?

Let’s start with an admission—two actually. First, there are no magic bullets. Nothing policy makers can do will fill the employment hole quickly. We’re talking about mitigation, not cure. Second, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Creating jobs costs money—whether it’s via tax cuts or more spending. (The Federal Reserve normally can create jobs without budgetary costs, but with interest rates already near zero it says it’s out of ammunition.) If Congress and the president are fixated on reducing the federal budget deficit to the exclusion of all else, we are not going to make headway. So yes, let’s enact a major deficit reduction program right away, but start the cutbacks only in the future. For now, we need a jobs bill.

What are some realistic options? For several years many economists have promoted a tax credit for new jobs. (I advocated the idea on this page in November 2009.) While the details matter, the basic idea is to offer firms that boost their payrolls a tax break. As one concrete example, companies might be offered a tax credit equal to 10% of the increase in their wage bills (over 2011 levels, say). No increase, no reward.

You might think Republicans would embrace an idea like that. After all, it’s a business tax cut and all the new jobs would be in the private sector. But you’d be wrong. Frankly, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s seen as “left-wing social engineering.”

A variant may hold more promise in the current political environment. Major corporations are clamoring for a tax holiday that would let them repatriate profits held abroad at a bargain-basement tax rate. They claim that all kinds of wonderful things would happen if this money came home. Trouble is, we’ve seen this play before, in 2004, and nothing wonderful happened—unless you were a shareholder or executive of one of the beneficiary corporations.

However, the tax holiday idea can be married to the new jobs tax credit. Suppose we allow firms to repatriate profits at some super-low tax rate, but only to the extent that they increase their wage payments subject to Social Security. For example, if XYZ Corporation paid wages covered by Social Security of $1.5 billion in 2011, and then boosted that amount to $1.6 billion in 2012, it would be allowed to repatriate $100 million at a tax rate of 5% or 10% instead of the usual 35% rate. The tax savings to the company would thus be $25 million-$30 million for raising its payroll by $100 million. That’s a powerful incentive.

There are two main reasons for using Social Security wages as the base. The first is administrative simplicity: Every company already reports this number to the government, and it is next-to-impossible to “game” it without committing outright fraud. The second reason is fairness. Companies would be able to claim the full tax credit only for earnings under (in 2011) $106,800. No subsidies for raising executive pay.

There may be better ideas. We should be open to them. But sitting by passively is no longer acceptable. In fact, it constitutes cruel and unusual punishment of the American work force. Isn’t that unconstitutional?

Mr. Blinder, a professor of economics and public affairs at Princeton University, is a former vice chairman of the Federal Reserve.